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PART ONE | About Me From the Beginning

About Me I am 25 years old but have always felt to be and told I am an old soul. I grew up in South East Tasmania and reside here still today. For the first 8 years of my life I grew up in the bush with my Mum and Dad and my older sister and brother, in a small town called Forcett. I remember playing with fairies in the moss and filling up my push bike with a stick as a "petrol pump" at the wood pile when my brother and I played "cars". At 8 years old my Dad left. With my Mum, my siblings and I moved to Dodges Ferry, a beautiful coastal town which holds generations of family history.

Even as a child, I always felt much older. Although, I was unable to express this sense of understanding and often felt misunderstood. I was shy and now I think about it I was anxious. From this I cried throughout my early childhood, a lot. I never wanted to leave my Mum. I never wanted to go to school or to sleep or to eat (my veggies). I never understood why this was until recently. I've realised through my young perception there was always a bit going on around me growing up. This was hard to realise and I admit to with a sense of guilt, as I truly was given the most loving and greatest upbringing. My Mum is an absolute legend, along with my step dad and close family and friends. And being the "baby", I was spoilt!

But looking back distressing circumstances were underlying throughout my childhood. At the time those extra things seemed fairly normal, and maybe weren't as constant as my memory recalls. But in talking to a close friend, those childhood tears found me once again and I had a new perspective of that little girl, mostly known as "Bub".

I've lived more of my life without my Dad than with him. The man I recall had many negative things to say about his ex-wife, he was easily frustrated, everything he started never got completed, and his days revolved around his next beer and drinking session...

On sunny days we'd take the boat out and go fishing, ride in the biscuit and play at the sand dunes. I feel he prided himself on the latest cars and anything that sang money, he felt unsettling and you were never sure of what mood he was going to be in. If it were good, I remember he was always up for a good laugh and he was quite humorous. Although I recall his humour was mostly in making fun of others... I know he loved me very much and was always proud of me.

At the age of 16, nearly a decade ago, I last spoke to my Dad. I vividly remember the phone call. I had just got off the bus and was walking into school. My heart would always pound when I saw his name flash on my phone and panic would flood through me. I realise I've always been sensitive to other people's energies, and there was always something dark underlying in his. He was not one for physical abuse, he played a strong mental game but I had a sense beyond my years to know this. I don't remember much about that conversation, I believe he wanted me to see him that weekend and I didn't feel comfortable enough to. The only line I still hear loud and clear is "I tried to commit suicide because of you."

I had never been one to express anger or speak my truth if I felt it would hurt others. But it was like the whole world blurred around me, a fire raged through my body and I broke into the most intense sobs I've ever experienced. All the while trying to find reason and asking a grown man how could he say such a thing to his teenage daughter. Nothing in his life was ever his fault, he always had someone else to blame. I collapsed in the middle of the school yard at 8:30am in the morning, in the foetal position I moaned and sobbed gasping for air. At some point a teacher picked me up off the floor. I've always been one to put on a brave face and do my best to emit positivity. But he has always broken me.

I can't remember how the rest of that day played out. But I do remember many sessions with the school counsellor after my little school yard scene. She was a beautiful lady but I knew she couldn't fix me. At the end of the year she thanked me for making her laugh and I thanked her for making me cry...

Too at the age of 16, I fell in love. I had never had a boyfriend before. I always thought something must be wrong with me. I've never been one to fall for just anyone or put energy into something that didn't feel true or authentic. I never understood how everyone could go from one partner to the next and it feel true. But all of those high school years being teased by my mates due to this status made up for it the day I met him. It's funny how the universe throws mirrors at you when it comes to relationships. I was young and dumb and didn't see this mirror at the time until I smashed it. The meaning of the ego I was yet to learn about had clouded me along with a few drinks and the pain bodies lust for drama. I broke his heart and mine with a kiss.

This love was different and we both knew it. Or maybe it was just true. We stayed together for the rest of our teen years. He loving me deeply yet with so much resentment. Me ignoring all that followed and warnings I ignored in guilt and belief that I deserved all of it. I don't think anyone has ever understood the intensity of the love we felt at that age, but it's nice to know he does. I trusted my intuition or maybe mostly my brain and decided it was healthiest for me to leave… it was the only way out of the spell.

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